The Booty Files: The one where a strange glowing white object descends on Miami Beach


So I took my Week 4 progress photos and noticed something terrible about my booty photo:

My booty.

I was at my bf’s house Monday morning, and I was running late for work, but was running even later (two days late) to send Carina my progress photos (EVERY SATURDAY MORNING FROM NOW ON). So I grabbed the only underwear I had on me, which happened to be the skimpiest lace g-string (I only see my bf on the weekends, so I’m still in that “make an effort with your knickers/matching sets etc etc” stage – girls you’ll understand), and took my photos.

So normally I wear fuller – (but still cute! Like Bonds and stuff – not granny ones –  I promise Ryan if you’re reading this) – underwear in my progress photos, so I hadn’t really seen a close up photo of my butt in all its glory. One where I could zoom in and really examine it in it’s full, non-coveredness exposed belf (Note to self: take more belfies. Note to self also: is belf even a word? Remember to check).

Anyway I checked my photo and oh my god…

My glutes are growing but so is the HUGE white bikini bottom shape, tanned into my butt.

Oh my freakin god, in 14 weeks I have to jump up on the stage in a bikini bottom nearly as tiny as this g-string and not even the strongest body builder dark chocolate tan (which btw they don’t even use for WBFF natural, glowing goddesses), will be able to cover this white triangle shaped monstrosity staring back at me in my photo.

“Ahh yeah that’d be good” Carina confirmed when I told her my plans to blind everyone at the beach and spend the next few weekends tanning away my invisible white bikini (thank god for the Gold Coast summer, although I’m blaming it’s bikini friendliness for the booty pickle I’m now in). “You definitely won’t be able to tan over that.”

On the upside she was happy with my booty progress…

Off I go to tan my butt!

Oh! But before I go I just looked it up and “belf” IS a word. A word with seemingly many meanings, such as these two gems from that tome of complete sophistication, The Urban Dictionary:

“A combination of the words belly and shelf. The “shelf” that is made by a person with a belly or a pregnant woman when they sit down. The top of their belly can hold a can in leiu of using the coffee table.”

“When you throw up in your mouth and swallow it.”

Reminder to self: never again tell anyone I need to take more photos of my “belf” and in actual fact never ever use the word “belf” again.

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